Depression has never left my side
This post was inspired by: depression lingers: an update, by Tala
A week ago, I spiraled down with my mental health. The reason behind this episode is very personal, but let’s just say that, for a fleeting moment, I was about to achieve one of the most important goals of my life, only to end up crashing at full speed against a wall called reality.
I ended up feeling like it had all been a delusion, and when I saw myself fail, naturally depression came back to caress my cheek as a form of comfort.
Difficulty focusing, zero motivation, cravings for cheap-dopamine food, endless hours of scrolling to distract myself, negative thoughts, the pile of dishes in the sink; whatever symptom you can think of, I had it during that stretch that lasted days.
I’ve written before about depression, its close link with my anxiety, and how it’s affected some aspects of my personal life. But I’d never written about how it’s been a constant presence in my life, and how at some point I even got depressed realizing it kept showing up again whenever I faced certain everyday challenges.
After years of therapy, antidepressant treatments, habit changes, and hundreds of hours of educational content on the subject, I once (at some point) had the hope of being cured.
But the realty is that the feeling of hopelessness comes back. The emptiness, the bad habits, the sadness, and in the most extreme cases, the desire to disappear.
However, just like Tala, my relationship with depression has changed over the years. The progress and improvement are evident in my case too. And if it sounds like I’m repeating the same things as the person who inspired this post, it’s because I am.
When it comes to such a heavy topic as depression, I think it’s important to stress that even if it feels like it never goes away, it does get better over time. Sharing personal experiences can not only reassure us that there’s hope, but also help others recognize progress and motivate them to keep going.
I think the real problem is wanting to cure it, to wish it would leave and never come back. I understand where that desire, that desperation, comes from, because I’ve lived it. When you’ve tried everything, when you’ve felt that level of hopelessness, you just wish never to feel —or endure— what comes with depression ever again.
After countless sessions with my therapist, I learned that depression never fully goes away because it isn’t something you cure. Even people without diagnosed psychological conditions can experience it. The thing is, with time, you learn how to manage it.
Understanding this principle has helped me get out of episodes faster, more efficiently, and with less damage compared to my past self. It’s given me resilience and the certainty that, by sharpening this ability to manage depression, I might eventually handle it so well that I’ll feel as though I’m already cured.
Things do get better. Over time, you learn to let positive emotions in more often, and they take up the space depression once occupied.
Of course, everyone has a different journey and experience, but what I mean is that the effort that feels useless today —because another episode kept you from getting out of bed— is really just one more step toward a life where you can finally say: “Oh, I used to be depressed”, clear and final.
To whoever is reading this: I know it feels hopeless, but it’s not. Keep going. You’ve got this. You’re doing better than yesterday.