Finding my prison so I can break free from it
Today I had a good day. Work was chill, I ate something delicious, and I got myself a donut for dessert. I even had some free time to play a bit in the afternoon, and at night I made dinner for my girlfriend. But then I thought about how most of my day was spent locked in a small 4x4 meter room, sitting on a chair staring at a screen.
And I came to the conclusion that this room is a lot like a prison cell. A luxury cell, sure. But it serves the same purpose: keeping me confined in a limited space for as long as possible.
My routine (aside from a few things) mostly happens in that room. My routine isn’t all that different from that of an inmate. I wake up, lock myself in, go out to eat, lock myself in again, and at night I go from one cell to another where there’s a bed. But what’s my prison? What’s keeping me serving this sentence? What’s the crime I’m paying for?
Every day I play both prisoner and guard. It’s a double performance that feels like running in circles. It’s funny how we build our own prisons just to settle scores with ourselves. Out of guilt, sadness, ego, low self-esteem—the list goes on. The important thing is to realize that we’re more trapped than we think. Yes, even when our routine takes us to different places and around different people.
I hate this post. I don’t like it and I don’t think it makes much sense. I had something to say, but I lost it. But writing everyday it’s also about losing the fear of perfectionism.
Thanks for reading.