Infinite reasons not to enjoy life
There’s a common spiritual principle about happiness, and how wrong it is to see it as something that can be perpetual. I don’t remember it word for word, but in short, the lesson is that happiness isn’t a constant. It’s something fleeting that we experience over and over again, just like any other emotion. Chasing it only leads down an endless road of frustration.
No matter how many life goals we check off the list, there will always be something we “need” in order to be happy.
This idea has really resonated with me these past few months. As I reflected on it, I realized I’ve been chasing a state of perpetual calm that simply can’t be reached.
I’ve been stressed out for months because my landlady kicked me out of the apartment I’ve been renting, after some serious plumbing and humidity issues.
TL;DR: the landlady is rude and shameless. She called me a complainer for demanding that they fix the drainage, even though it was clearly a health hazard. The upstairs neighbor’s poop would come up through our shower drain. Later, a pipe burst in the apartment above, and since July, the walls in one room, the kitchen, and the bathroom have had leaks and damp stains that have now turned into black mold.
Anyways, after all that and being humiliated by someone who owns property, I started an endless odyssey to find a decent place to rent, one that fit my budget and was at least somewhat well located. If you know what the housing market’s like, you can probably guess how that story ends: badly.
I got kicked out in May. It’s almost November now, and I still haven’t found a decent place to live. My move is in four days. I’ll stop living with my girlfriend and go back to stay with a relative until we find somewhere we can build our life together again.
These past months have been an emotional rollercoaster that’s made me question parts of my life —and of the world— that could make anyone bitter.
I’ve thought a lot about the terms and conditions people who rent have to accept just to access a basic right.
I’ve thought about how all the effort, dedication, and work I’ve put into my career haven’t been enough to buy a property or even afford better rent.
I’ve thought about how inconsiderate people can be, and how little we’ve learned about building community with others.
I’ve thought about how stupid gentrification has made it harder and harder to find a well-located place to live.
I’ve thought about how asking for something as basic as not having poop in my shower can end up getting me evicted.
I’ve thought about the privilege of those who inherit property or can keep living with their parents.
I’ve thought about how naive I was to believe I could stay here long-term, and about all the improvements I made to a place that once seemed so promising.
And I’ve kept thinking, and thinking.
Now I’m caught in the chaos of moving — that window of time where nothing has a place, and dodging boxes and cats in the hallway becomes normal.
All that thinking has led nowhere. I’ve just been longing for the peace of being in a place I can call mine. And yeah, it’s a life dream, and yeah, I’d love that — but reality is something else. And even if it feels unfair, for now I just have to learn to be at peace with what I have, even if that means not having a place to call home.
It fucking sucks.