My weird relationship with coffee
I don't consider myself a coffee snob. I'm definitely not one of those people who always drink their coffee black—no sugar, no milk, no nothing. I'm more of a casual coffee enjoyer, so I appreciate coffee in all the ways it can be savored. I'm just as up for a bitter, super-black cup as I am for a frappé, latte, or cappuccino with whipped cream on top (a personal favorite). The sad part about my love for this legendary brewed drink is that it's bad for me.
My love for coffee started in my childhood. I used to visit my grandparents a lot, and later in life, I ended up living with them. My grandpa was a big fan of lechero, a traditional way to drink coffee in Veracruz, where I grew up. Every night, he had a cup of lechero for dinner, accompanied by cookies to end his day. One night, while visiting, I ended up having dinner with him, so he made me a café con leche and gave me cookies from his secret stash. From that moment, I developed a taste for coffee I can't get rid of.
But drinking coffee was a special occasion back then. I was a kid, so I couldn’t make it myself. Needless to say, my mom and grandma weren’t amused by me drinking coffee, being so young and all. It was some kind of activity with which my grandpa and I bonded. Then I grew up and didn't care for coffee anymore.
In my teenage years, caffeine had a much stronger effect on me. Just one cup and my sleep would disappear entirely. There were a few times I drank coffee and ended up missing school the next day cause I was exhausted from the insomnia. It was a no-go for me, so I forgot about it until I finished university, and began to be more serious about my creative pursuits.
Coffee helped me be creative and gave me the energy I needed to focus on films and study for hours—two things I started doing a lot to teach myself filmmaking. Everything was great with caffeine until adulthood hit.
When I started working, my first job was at an office in a WeWork tower. One of the perks was unlimited coffee with milk and plenty of sweetener options. You could have as many cups as you wanted during the day. The coffee wasn't good, but it served its purpose. That coffee in particular gave me a much-needed boost of energy in the morning before starting my work. And after lunch? A second cup was almost mandatory.
The cups were huge, so my daily caffeine intake skyrocketed. To make matters worse, the staff brewing the coffee didn't have any experience in the craft, so it was either very strong or very bland. But I was struggling financially, so having these perks was like a blessing. That's the main reason I took advantage of this daily. It was good while it lasted.
Then my problem started.
My personal life was hard (with a strong R) at that time. I was going through a breakup, starting life in a new city, and fully supporting myself for the first time, so there were a lot of things circling my mind every day. On top of that, my brother got sick and almost lost his life. So after all that, the anxiety began manifesting. And I'm not talking about silly little episodes of nervousness, I'm talking about a disorder. And, you guessed it, caffeine didn't make that better.
At first, I didn’t realize it was anxiety. I just kept drinking coffee, thinking my health issues were unrelated. I went as far as to see a cardiologist cause at some point I was convinced that it had something to do with my blood pressure. But it wasn't. Every day back then was a rollercoaster, and I survived for two months with little episodes of mild anxiety (that lasted for hours) until I had my first panic attack. And yes, just ten or fifteen minutes before the attack, I drank coffee.
The rest is history (or part of another blog post). I started therapy and worked on myself in many ways, one of them was quitting caffeine. Three years passed and I didn't have a single drop of coffee until I stopped taking meds and developed a set of tools to help me with my attacks and anxiety in general. My life was such a hell-on-earth experience that I even went as far as to quit any tea and soda that had caffeine in it. And no, it wasn't caffeine's fault that I developed a disorder, it was a combination of different factors and life experiences, but caffeine DID in fact make the symptoms of my anxiety worse.
As I was saying: I am better now! I’ve started drinking coffee again, with the twist that I (almost) always stick to decaf. Of course, there are exceptions. For example, it’s hard to find coffee shops that make decaf frappés or cappuccinos, and those are some of my favorites. When I decide to risk having caffeine I evaluate how I'm feeling. If I’m calm, there’s no stress, and I’m not anticipating any anxiety-inducing situations, I go ahead and enjoy the drink.
Yes, it may sound extreme, but even though I’m doing better, anxiety never really leaves you. A trigger like coffee can be difficult to manage, so I try not to put myself in that situation.
I really enjoyed writing this. Hope someone finds this useful or at least entertaining.
☕ You can still enjoy the things you like, even if at some point you thought you wouldn't. Thanks for reading!